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It's already been a year since I started this journal series. That seems incredible to me. 

(This will probably be the last monthly journal, but I'll continue to post for the series.)

As much as these journals are for you and everyone who passes by to look at them, these journals have always first been for me.

They rode the tide of my life in this year, and very often they showed each swell, each crest, rise and fall. They always spoke on a deeper level, the something underneath. The first journal was about faith, or rather, my need for it, and about breaking free.

I have found it so hard to trust--
myself, others, where my life is going.

I've needed a strength greater than me--in me-- to trust that I am okay, I am loved, that I'll be all right no matter what life brings and I won't be stuck in a hole, stuck in the past.

I have been hurt before.
But the pain is not always physical or easy to explain.
It has caused me to shut up, shut down, hold off, stand back, don't trust.

Don't let go.

(We live in a world that makes it hard to trust in what we need to.)

This brought me a deeper pain, and one that I still feel the marks of.

Everything seems so complex.

I've been in a box. I shut myself in because I didn't want to get hurt again--I didn't want anyone to hurt me, for me to trick myself and fall, be fooled, cause my own pain.

(There's so much that's important to me; I don't want it to fall away in an illusion. But I've created so much illusion...)

Faith has been hard for me
(and I don't just mean in a higher power. Faith in oneself).

It means letting go, loving, trusting. Completely.

It's not easy when you're guarded.
When you still remember the past. Even in your cells. The lives you've lived before.

This year has been about faith, and starting to have it, even when I didn't know what to have faith in.

(God has never been something I could put in a box, something I could take out and look at again.)

It's also been about Healing. Rebirth. Expansion. Courage. Strength. Loving myself.

Not an easy path always when you feel you're at the precipice,
the beginning point,
when you know the light is there
yet you're in the struggle mid-way and the surge seems all-consuming,
or you don't know when it will cease, ebb, or how to get out.

Sometimes you feel like you are drowning, and that all there is or ever will be is water.

You look for the buoy, or have to find one within yourself.

It's not easy;
it's almost never easy (in the beginning, at least).

There are moments of calm and upbeat, lull, and then a tide or storm rushes in and you feel you're back at the beginning, that you've only been going in circles. Stuck in an endless loop, but that loop is an illusion and you could stop drowning and break free if only you believed in you, had something greater to sink into...

it would catch you.
You were never drowning at all.

(We each hold the key to our liberation.)

    :bulletpink: Soul Art Day 2014 Soul Art Day 2014
:bulletgreen: October 2014 Inspiration: October 2014
:bulletblue: November 2014 Inspiration: November 2014
:bulletpurple: December 2014 Inspiration: December 2014
    :bulletpink: Winter Solstice 2014 In the Spirit of the Winter Solstice
:bulletred: January 2015 Inspiration: January 2015
:bulletorange: February 2015 Inspiration: February 2015
:bulletyellow: March 2015 [here]
  • Mood: Thanks


fallowfrenzy's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Varied
United States
Currently an undergraduate at Hollins University, majoring in English/Creative Writing and minoring in Studio Art and Psychology.

Favourite hobbies and activities include: drawing, writing, photographing nature, listening to/finding music, reading, learning new techniques and information to improve artistic skills, and a newly found love of wheel-throwing ceramics.

She has begun writing a novel, the inspiration coming from her first creative writing class at Hollins; she also has a few ideas for poetry collections swirling around in her head at the moment, and is in the process of sorting them out and lovingly birthing them onto paper. She has also begun writing a biography prose-poem for Holocaust Survivor Elsa Miller, a member of the Women's Orchestra of Auschwitz, and is finding the research and writing process very exciting. Several of her poems have been published, and she has contributed artwork and photography to the speculative literature magazine The Cyborg Griffin and the student periodical The Album at her university. She has also participated in the Quaking Aspen (Volume 3) "American Dream" project and workshop with artists Sue Johnson and Roy Baugher; she has relief prints from this project as part of collections in several prominent institutions.

As of January 2014 she has travelled to Ireland, Germany, and Austria and hopes to continue travelling the world. France is next on her list. She plans on being fluent in French and German one day.

She is President of the alternative spiritualities club Bell, Book, and Candle and her university's Student Religious Life Association, and additionally participates in two literary clubs on campus.

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KyokoSan07 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much for the fav! You're amazing! :love:
fallowfrenzy Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student General Artist
You're very welcome! You are, too. (:
Pixel Rose 
Fleur-de-Noel Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2015  Professional
Thanks so much for :+fav:ing my art!! Heart bum 
fallowfrenzy Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2015  Student General Artist
You're very welcome.
Pixel Rose 
hekla01 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Nobu Llama Thanks plz 
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