This month I'm opening a deep window into me, and I hope you will respect that. At first I was going to talk about the band Flyleaf, and how I believe they are inspirational, but it is nearly impossible for me to do so without going into my own life.
I started listening to Flyleaf probably ten years ago when I was in middle school. I was depressed at the time and I felt so miserably unloved, although I wasn't able to understand what I was feeling, or why. I had felt this way even in elementary school, and it wouldn't be until my first year in high school I suddenly realized I wasn't depressed anymore. During the times when I was really bad I questioned God and was angry at God.
How could He do this to me?! How could He let me suffer? Doesn't He care? Doesn't anyone care about me? Doesn't anybody love me? ...No one does. No one loves me. What am I doing wrong? I don't understand, I just want help. I just want somebody to help me.... to love me. Why don't they love me?
I tried to understand God who was so distant and confusing to me, and I thought about suicide. I knew how I would do it. I wasn't at that point yet, but I was getting there. My parents didn't know I was depressed, but maybe they suspected...I really don't know. They put me in therapy anyway because they were concerned I didn't have friends. It was for social reasons and I didn't want the help but I needed it, and by receiving help for this my depression did begin to heal. By healing one thing you heal another.
I was so terribly confused about religion and God. My family is both Christian and Jewish, and I did not know which I belonged to, and I never truly felt like I belonged to either Christianity or Judaism. My parents never pushed religion on me or my brothers; they wanted us to come to it on our own, but I was so lost and searching. I admit I still don't identify as Christian or Jewish today, and I am still searching. I'm still figuring out what and who 'God' is for me, and I'm okay with that -- it is okay.
I held so many emotions inside me, compounding. It wasn't always about religion though, most of the time it wasn't, but my emotions led me to question God sometimes.
Flyleaf's music struck a resonant chord with me, and continues to. When Lacey Sturm would sing and dance to the music, in my head I would do the same and it was healing. Her music helped me express my own turmoil. It's hard for me to cry and to express my feelings and emotions, or to think about what they are, why they're there. I hold a lot of pain and hurt, and it's difficult to let it go. I tend to bury and suppress it, sometimes deny and shut it away when I know it's there. Part of my journey is to really express and experience what's inside me, to look it in the eye and not run away or be afraid -- to not run away because I am afraid. To let go and forgive.
A major part of why I connected so strongly to Flyleaf is because of Lacey Sturm, the lead-singer. She experienced pain in her life too, and it came out in her music. And I listened to so much music, not just Flyleaf's. Music spoke to what was inside me, and helped voice what I was unwilling or unable to speak.
Lacey recently left Flyleaf in 2013 to focus on her son and family, ending her Flyleaf legacy with their third album New Horizons. They have a new lead singer, Kristen May, but so with any change, nothing is ever the same. I admit I was a little saddened by this at first -- I grew up with Lacey in Flyleaf -- but I also recognized how perfect and beautiful it is. Lacey is in a new chapter of her life and I know she is happy. And I am happy too. I'm not sure how to describe it yet, but I know her change is important and freeing for me as well.
I know this whole journal doesn't adequately explain why Flyleaf is so inspirational to me, but she is. She truly is.
We all have people who inspire us, or are significant to us in some way. Lacey Sturm is one of those people for me. (:
Who is for you?
Thank you for being present with me and this journal. I wish you all the best!
P.S. I promise I'm happy and not depressed! I haven't been for a long time. (: